You can’t do a don’t – so you might as well just do.
On Tuesday I packed my bags and headed off for (the not so sunny) Leeds for a 4 day Vocal Intensive with the wonderful Barbara Houseman, completely unaware that I’d leave feeling like I’d found another part of me. It was so brilliant that I have to write about it.
Over 10 months ago, I embarked on my Both Feet journey which has been a blessing (and sometimes a curse) in itself. I’ve become more self – aware, and I’m starting to trust myself. Or that is what I thought, before these four days, but little did I know I’d been deceiving myself into thinking I was trusting myself whilst still allowing my not so nice, bit of a dick, inner critic to take the front seat. One thing I didn’t think I’d take from the week was realising how much I let my inner critic take over and to allow (that’s a word I’ll now use a lot) myself to be kinder. But it is by far the most valuable thing I learnt. I have always been so so cruel to myself, as I’m sure other people can relate. Everyday I’d be telling myself something so negative and horrible, and then wondering why I feel so shit all the time. Barbara had a way of talking to her own inner critic as well as everyone else’s that slowly started to give it less and less power as the week went on, and by the end of the week, I’d somewhat shifted my mindset of letting it take over. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still there, it’s just not sat in the front seat anymore – it’s just in the back having a gaze out the window.
We learnt the intricacies of our bodies and how every little thing is connected to your voice, from bad experiences to where you hold your head. On Tuesday, we started with the basics of how to breathe, which was a biggie for me as I tend to hold my breath for stupidly long periods. On Wednesday, we moved onto resonance and taking up space, which is something I’d never want to do in any situations so I’d hide behind my voice, or lack of. There’s something about hearing yourself speak so freely and clearly whilst everyone is listening to you. On Thursday we began looking at our texts and using different vocal exercises that we’d learnt to feel connected to them. And then Friday rolled around quicker than ever and we watched how much everyone had changed. I was (and still am) so full up with emotion by the time Friday was coming to an end with how much I’d learnt and allowed myself to know that it is okay to not care so much. It was such a pleasure sharing the room with such beautiful people and watching everyone on their own journey in discovering, you learn so much from other people and everyone was so so open.
All the while we had a very special guest in the room, little Pip. I am so amazed at the wonderful woman, Stephanie Morgan, who introduced us all to Barbara and made it all possible. There’s not a lot of people who can say they’ve given birth to a human in the space of 6 weeks and was still so present and invested in the process. I think everyone in the room can agree that Pip brought a sense of joy and freedom to the week as he is truly the pinnacle of not giving a single fuck. And I got to have a cuddle for a which was bloomin lovely (and I usually don’t like babies). There’s not a lot of teachers out there that I’ve met who trust the people they work with so much, and makes such a safe environment to learn and fuck up.
I wanted to write this post to remember how I felt yesterday on the journey home from Leeds. And how I still feel now the day after. And hopefully, how I can continue to feel for as long as I can. I never knew that when I started acting that this would be the journey I’d be going on, or the journey I didn’t know I needed to go on. Especially as someone who hasn’t yet done and might not do their 3 years training at drama school, there’s always this feeling of not being good enough or worthy enough to be in this industry. But when it comes down to it, we’re all as fucked up and clueless as eachother – some are just better at admitting that than others. This training, and my training with both feet is definitely shaping me into the actor (and the person) that I want to be.
Loving yourself isn’t easy. As Barbara had said, just start by being kinder to yourself. The rest won’t be far behind.